How it feels to be depressed
Oct. 14th, 2015 11:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
leo_sosnineWas answering to another post in ru-psiholog regarding depression and decided to take a few quizzes to assess my mental health cause i haven't done that for a while, probably about fifteen years... So I've taken Beck test and Goldberg test and both show severe depression, here is a Goldberg one:
Nothing new here, I feel like that for my whole life. I used to enjoy playing computer games and computers overall when I was younger, but these days I turned to hating computers and I literally hate majority of computer games. I already mentioned that I can't stand how my younger daughter plays Minecraft and can't be in the same room with her playing, that's how irritating it gets. It got even worse, these days I hate computers and computer games with rare exceptions even more than I hate everything else.
I also disdain people for majority of time and cases, fortunately, this is something I can control, especially if I work with computers, lol. Exchanging e-mails and sitting in a cube or even at home and rarely going outside, that's how I prefer to live these days, hmm, however, I always lived like that.
Of course, there would be some "vatnicks" contributing this to moving to the US from Russia. Feel that I have to address this specifically, it's not the case, I felt much worse when I was in Russia and I guess I won't lie if say that I hate "this_country". But, I guess, nothing is convincing for these self-deceiving dumbasses.
Of course, it can be argued that since this is a self-assessment type of quiz, it relies heavily on honest answers and it's impossible to prove to even myself that I'm 100% honest and don't disguise my condition with something else for the sake of some obscure psychic processes. But in general I consider myself as a very sane person and my experience interacting with other people proved again and again that it's more likely that I'm one of the few normal among the crowd of insane. I rarely make mistakes, etc, etc. So I don't think it's the case.
It also can be verified by my life style, who would want to sit in his den and talk to no one and never travel anywhere? At least it can be stated with high degree of certainty that vast majority of people love to communicate and love to travel. I hate it, but, again, this hatred as almost any other my hatred isn't very active, I say it's a cold and non-actionable hate, more of a contempt.
I have a few driving factors in my life though that force me to wake up in the morning and act like a robot running a predefined program doing preprogrammed things like brushing teeth, swallowing multivitamins, aspirin and other stuff, feeding stomach, driving to work, responding to e-mails.
The major one, of course, is a feeling of responsibility which is, I'd say, much higher than average in people, it's of somewhat maybe even messianic proportions. I always have to convince myself that I shouldn't give a fuck about really general or even abstract matters like whole nation's destiny or civilization as a whole and stuff like that. It adds to depression BTW since I understand that I'm not capable of changing anything in these matters, but at least, this responsibility keeps me going and bringing food on the table for me, my wife and kids.
I guess it's safe to say that I hate life. Moreover, I'm convinced that it's normal and those who don't hate are, in fact, crazy.
Often I think that it's so strange that I got somehow married and have kids, which are normal, BTW. But still they may have inherited this weird gene that will manifest itself in later generations if they get spawned.
Probably that explains my tendency to wickedly enjoy some types of depressive activities such as listening to Norwegian black-metal (and Victor Tsoy, of course) all the time, watching "mratchnyak" type of movies and sitcoms and playing violent zombie-shooter games. It's funny that I hate some sitcoms, such as "the Walking Dead" because they aren't depressive as they might have been if they were directed "properly". Clueless half-ass pussies.
Sorry for English, don't have Russian ATM.
Nothing new here, I feel like that for my whole life. I used to enjoy playing computer games and computers overall when I was younger, but these days I turned to hating computers and I literally hate majority of computer games. I already mentioned that I can't stand how my younger daughter plays Minecraft and can't be in the same room with her playing, that's how irritating it gets. It got even worse, these days I hate computers and computer games with rare exceptions even more than I hate everything else.
I also disdain people for majority of time and cases, fortunately, this is something I can control, especially if I work with computers, lol. Exchanging e-mails and sitting in a cube or even at home and rarely going outside, that's how I prefer to live these days, hmm, however, I always lived like that.
Of course, there would be some "vatnicks" contributing this to moving to the US from Russia. Feel that I have to address this specifically, it's not the case, I felt much worse when I was in Russia and I guess I won't lie if say that I hate "this_country". But, I guess, nothing is convincing for these self-deceiving dumbasses.
Of course, it can be argued that since this is a self-assessment type of quiz, it relies heavily on honest answers and it's impossible to prove to even myself that I'm 100% honest and don't disguise my condition with something else for the sake of some obscure psychic processes. But in general I consider myself as a very sane person and my experience interacting with other people proved again and again that it's more likely that I'm one of the few normal among the crowd of insane. I rarely make mistakes, etc, etc. So I don't think it's the case.
It also can be verified by my life style, who would want to sit in his den and talk to no one and never travel anywhere? At least it can be stated with high degree of certainty that vast majority of people love to communicate and love to travel. I hate it, but, again, this hatred as almost any other my hatred isn't very active, I say it's a cold and non-actionable hate, more of a contempt.
I have a few driving factors in my life though that force me to wake up in the morning and act like a robot running a predefined program doing preprogrammed things like brushing teeth, swallowing multivitamins, aspirin and other stuff, feeding stomach, driving to work, responding to e-mails.
The major one, of course, is a feeling of responsibility which is, I'd say, much higher than average in people, it's of somewhat maybe even messianic proportions. I always have to convince myself that I shouldn't give a fuck about really general or even abstract matters like whole nation's destiny or civilization as a whole and stuff like that. It adds to depression BTW since I understand that I'm not capable of changing anything in these matters, but at least, this responsibility keeps me going and bringing food on the table for me, my wife and kids.
I guess it's safe to say that I hate life. Moreover, I'm convinced that it's normal and those who don't hate are, in fact, crazy.
Often I think that it's so strange that I got somehow married and have kids, which are normal, BTW. But still they may have inherited this weird gene that will manifest itself in later generations if they get spawned.
Probably that explains my tendency to wickedly enjoy some types of depressive activities such as listening to Norwegian black-metal (and Victor Tsoy, of course) all the time, watching "mratchnyak" type of movies and sitcoms and playing violent zombie-shooter games. It's funny that I hate some sitcoms, such as "the Walking Dead" because they aren't depressive as they might have been if they were directed "properly". Clueless half-ass pussies.
Sorry for English, don't have Russian ATM.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2015-10-14 05:02 pm (UTC)Не в обиду будет сказано, но это конеш самый непонятный момент.
no subject
Date: 2015-10-14 05:10 pm (UTC)If the first one, you should seriously consider BIOCHEMICAL sources of depression and give a chance to some medicine.
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Date: 2015-10-14 05:10 pm (UTC)But its not paranoia.
no subject
Date: 2015-10-14 05:53 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2015-10-14 06:15 pm (UTC)Please let me know if such tests are performed in the US - I have medical needs to do the same when I come in.
(no subject)
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Date: 2015-10-14 06:23 pm (UTC)Он не просто перешел на следующий уровень достатка; случилось так, что он разбогател точно в тот момент, когда другие трейдеры с Уолл-стрит обеднели, и мог бы купить все, чем они владели, с очень большими скидками — если бы захотел. Правда, он купил кое-что, и, конечно, не те товары, что обычно покупают люди с Уолл-стрит. Но в этом Ниро оказался невоздержанным.
В пятницу после обеда движение в Лондоне может быть ужасающим. Ниро стал проводить больше времени в этом городе. Автомобильные пробки превратились в его навязчивую идею. Однажды он потратил пять часов, двигаясь на запад из своего офиса в центре Лондона в направлении загородного дома в Котсуолдсе, где обычно проводил выходные дни. Невозможность повлиять на ситуацию вынудила его получить лицензию на управление вертолетом — Ниро прошел ускоренный курс обучения в Кембриджшире. Он понимал, что в выходные, видимо, лучше выбираться из города на поезде, но чувствовал потребность совершить безрассудство. Другим результатом его бессильной ярости стали не менее опасные перемещения между городской квартирой в Кенсингтоне и офисом на велосипеде.
Это к чему - ежели брать вертолёт, то хотя бы никогда не летать одному :).
no subject
Date: 2015-10-14 06:39 pm (UTC)chances are that it's more or less easily corrected
no subject
Date: 2015-10-14 09:09 pm (UTC)Сочувствую.
no subject
Date: 2015-10-14 11:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-10-15 01:53 am (UTC)особого опыта нет; по-моему, те, кто советуют обратиться за помощью - правы.
мне кажется, если депрессия занимает менее половины сознания - необходимо обращать ненависть против неё самой и работать над сокращением (ну, как люди, страдающие ожирением заставляют себя насильно выходить на улицу и заниматься физкультурой).
Если депрессия занимает более половины сознания - искать помощь извне. в конце концов - вы ничего не теряете.
П.С. А почему именно Цой, а не Летов?
(no subject)
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Date: 2015-10-15 09:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-10-15 11:31 am (UTC)(no subject)
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2015-10-15 11:32 am (UTC) - Expandno subject
Date: 2015-10-15 04:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-10-15 04:14 pm (UTC)А, ещё можно попробовать от мяса отказаться.
(no subject)
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Date: 2015-10-15 04:47 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2015-10-20 08:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-10-21 12:06 pm (UTC)Как подходили к другим проблемам, например, "в какую школу устроить детей", "в какую страну уехать на тракторе" и так далее.
Есть литература, данные, методики, специально обученные люди. Решать проблемы вы умеете совершенно очевидно.
(no subject)
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Date: 2016-08-31 12:12 pm (UTC)Скорее всего у вас просто реалистичный взгляд на мир и не более того.