leo_sosnine | How it feels to be depressed

Was answering to another post in ru-psiholog regarding depression and decided to take a few quizzes to assess my mental health cause i haven't done that for a while, probably about fifteen years... So I've taken Beck test and Goldberg test and both show severe depression, here is a Goldberg one:

Nothing new here, I feel like that for my whole life. I used to enjoy playing computer games and computers overall when I was younger, but these days I turned to hating computers and I literally hate majority of computer games. I already mentioned that I can't stand how my younger daughter plays Minecraft and can't be in the same room with her playing, that's how irritating it gets. It got even worse, these days I hate computers and computer games with rare exceptions even more than I hate everything else.

I also disdain people for majority of time and cases, fortunately, this is something I can control, especially if I work with computers, lol. Exchanging e-mails and sitting in a cube or even at home and rarely going outside, that's how I prefer to live these days, hmm, however, I always lived like that.

Of course, there would be some "vatnicks" contributing this to moving to the US from Russia. Feel that I have to address this specifically, it's not the case, I felt much worse when I was in Russia and I guess I won't lie if say that I hate "this_country". But, I guess, nothing is convincing for these self-deceiving dumbasses.

Of course, it can be argued that since this is a self-assessment type of quiz, it relies heavily on honest answers and it's impossible to prove to even myself that I'm 100% honest and don't disguise my condition with something else for the sake of some obscure psychic processes. But in general I consider myself as a very sane person and my experience interacting with other people proved again and again that it's more likely that I'm one of the few normal among the crowd of insane. I rarely make mistakes, etc, etc. So I don't think it's the case.

It also can be verified by my life style, who would want to sit in his den and talk to no one and never travel anywhere? At least it can be stated with high degree of certainty that vast majority of people love to communicate and love to travel. I hate it, but, again, this hatred as almost any other my hatred isn't very active, I say it's a cold and non-actionable hate, more of a contempt.

I have a few driving factors in my life though that force me to wake up in the morning and act like a robot running a predefined program doing preprogrammed things like brushing teeth, swallowing multivitamins, aspirin and other stuff, feeding stomach, driving to work, responding to e-mails.

The major one, of course, is a feeling of responsibility which is, I'd say, much higher than average in people, it's of somewhat maybe even messianic proportions. I always have to convince myself that I shouldn't give a fuck about really general or even abstract matters like whole nation's destiny or civilization as a whole and stuff like that. It adds to depression BTW since I understand that I'm not capable of changing anything in these matters, but at least, this responsibility keeps me going and bringing food on the table for me, my wife and kids.

I guess it's safe to say that I hate life. Moreover, I'm convinced that it's normal and those who don't hate are, in fact, crazy.

Often I think that it's so strange that I got somehow married and have kids, which are normal, BTW. But still they may have inherited this weird gene that will manifest itself in later generations if they get spawned.

Probably that explains my tendency to wickedly enjoy some types of depressive activities such as listening to Norwegian black-metal (and Victor Tsoy, of course) all the time, watching "mratchnyak" type of movies and sitcoms and playing violent zombie-shooter games. It's funny that I hate some sitcoms, such as "the Walking Dead" because they aren't depressive as they might have been if they were directed "properly". Clueless half-ass pussies.

Sorry for English, don't have Russian ATM.